When you have a hidden medical condition, it can
be difficult to know who to tell, when to tell, and how to tell
the other person about it. Do you just blurt it out and see what
happens, or do you sit down with them and explain the facts? When
you decide to tell someone you have a medical condition, consider
why you are telling that person. At what point in a relationship
should you tell? You may be afraid to tell that person right away
because you think they will no longer be interested in dating you.
However, if you wait too long to disclose your information, they
may consider your lack of openness as a “lie of omission.”
It is up to you to decide who to tell and when the
time is right. There is no quick and easy formula to figure out
what is appropriate. Decide how you will approach them. Be sure
you are ready with your information. Also be ready for their confused
or possibly, negative reaction. Although not necessarily in the
first couple of dates, it is usually better to be open and up-front
early on in the relationship.
Weigh your options:
• Know why you want to tell them. Then decide on when to tell.
• Prepare yourself. Be well informed about your medical condition.
You may want to have pamphlets, articles or a hotline phone number
available for the person you tell.
• Get support. Talk it over with someone you trust and come
up with a plan. Talk to a friend or your local support group.
• Accept the reaction. Understand that you cannot control
how others will deal with your news.
• Surround yourself with people that love you and accept you
for who you are.
Telling others can be positive because:
• You do not have to feel like you are hiding something. You
can be true to yourself. Keeping secrets is stressful and emotionally
draining.
• You can get the most appropriate health care. If people
around you do not know about your medical condition, they will not
know how to help you in an emergency.
• It is good to have support from people that care about you
and understand the issues that you face in your life.
• You can keep the people that are close to you informed about
issues that are important to you. Educate them!
• You have the opportunity to share the correct information
with the person. They may otherwise learn of your condition from
someone else who may not know the facts.
Telling others can be a negative experience
because:
• Others may find it hard to accept you because of your health
status.
• You may find that some people will discriminate against
you and will find it difficult to be with you because of your health
status.
• You may have to face rejection in dating and other social
situations.
• You may sense that some people, even though they want to
be accepting, are now somewhat physically guarded or not quite as
affectionate as they were before you told them.
Consider This:
If you have a bleeding disorder:
• If you wait too long to tell the person you are dating about
your condition, it may lead to confusion and misunderstanding. For
instance, if you planned a date on a particular evening and you
get a bleed, you may have to cancel. Your date will be more inclined
to accept why you cancelled if they understand why you had to cancel.
If they do not know about your condition, they may feel like you
are just not interested in them and are making up excuses or lies.
• At some point, it may be a good idea to let the person you
are dating watch you infuse. Show them how simple it is. Let them
see how hemophilia is only one aspect to your life.
• It may be good to let them know right off the bat that hemophilia
is not contagious. No one will “catch” hemophilia from
you. If you are not HIV positive, you may want to let them know
that as well. Due to the history of the bleeding disorder community,
it is sometimes assumed that if you have hemophilia you must also
have HIV. Often people will make the assumption without asking more
questions because they feel that to ask would be too personal or
rude.
• Dispel the common myths about hemophilia. Let them know
you will not bleed to death from a paper cut. Education is the key
factor!
If you have communicable disease such as
HIV or Hepatitis:
• You cannot have a healthy, happy relationship unless both
partners feel supported and feel good about the emotional and physical
aspects of the relationship. Both of you need to feel safe and supported.
Therefore, if you have a communicable disease such as HIV or hepatitis,
it is extremely important to tell your partner about your condition
especially prior to having sexual relations. If both parties know
the risks, it will be easier to communicate and support each other
in safe ways to avoid spreading the disease to your partner.
• If you wait to tell your partner until after you have been
intimate with them, the person may feel angry and betrayed. They
may feel that you were selfish in trying to deceive them or even
that you may have intended to harm them.
• Before sharing your information, you may want to get to
know the person on an emotional basis for a few dates first. Evaluate
how interested you really are in furthering your relationship. This
will also give the person you are dating a chance to get to know
you as a person without the complicating issues of your health status.
• Some people are unaware of the possibilities of a long-term
and loving relationship with an HIV positive partner. Introduce
them to other couples that have made it work. Anticipate that there
may be some level of fear and concern. Educate them. When you decide
to tell someone, be clear about whom they can and cannot share your
medical information. Keep in mind that they may need support and
advice about the decision that they are now faced with as well.
Give them website addresses or pamphlets. Offer them the number
of a support group you trust or the number of a person they can
call for more information.
Fear of rejection keeps many people from talking
about their medical condition. However, eventually in a relationship
it will be important to talk about it. The longer you wait and the
more emotionally involved you are, the more difficult it may become.
The decision of when, where, and how to tell is up to you. It depends
on you, the person you are dating, and the particular circumstances.
Try to respect your partner’s reaction. Look at it from their
point of view. If someone is uneducated about your condition, they
may react unexpectedly. Importantly, give the person time to let
it all sink in. If you have informed and educated them about your
condition and they decide to end the relationship anyway, although
painful, it is probably for the best. Keep people around you that
accept you and love you unconditionally for who you are.
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